Technology these days is disappointing. I've decided it isn't worth the bother. I now believe that the Amish really do have something. This whole "electricity" thing? Yeah, just not doin' it for me. So here's why.
1. You spend more time trying to figure out how it works then it could ever hope to save you. Have you ever tried to put something more complicated then a light bulb together? I mean seriously folks, you don't even have to put a light bulb together! When you actually do put things together you have two options: 1. be a man, 2. be a woman. By that I mean you can either use directions or not. Guys don’t use them, so here I'm talking to the women out there. Can you read what they say? Chances are you can't. It's either in a foreign language, or it was and the translation is horrible. I mean, does anybody actually think to edit those things? Come on! There is a thing called "spell check," it's on just about EVERYTHING now days. Then of course you have to figure out what your item actually does. You may think "that's stupid, you bought it, you should know what it does at least." To you I would reply "you apparently don't know any men." You see, guys will buy the newest technology just because it's cool. If it's fast, breaks things, or blows things up, you can bet your green card your man will buy it. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, by the time you DO figure out what it is, what it does, and how to get it together, it's out of date and you have to buy a new one. Then you repeat the whole process all over again. It's a vicious cycle.
2. Then of course you have all the dangers that come with new technology.
A. Microwaves (heating appliances) scared people for a while. The thought was that all those focused microwaves (small squiggly lines that do bad things) being emitted might cause cancer in people. Can you believe that? How in the world do people get these ideas? Microwaves are meant for GOOD. Good things do not cause bad things. I think the Supreme Court said that .... or something.
B. Technology makes you fat. If you're a normal American you probably spend about 5 hours a day either checking email, playing with your iPod or iPhone or iRack, or playing video games at work. This means you don't have time to exercise or eat healthy and all that junk, blah blah blah, you've all heard this before.
So I think I'm going to be Amish. From now on there's no more technology for me. Just good olde fashion horses and candles. Wish me luck, but don't leave me any comments, I won't be able to see them.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
Girls. Oh boy! part 2
The opening post of this humble blog promised two things. First we said you would be told what to expect from girls. Second it was said you would learn how to then deal with that. Unfortunately, for you that is, this is something that really must be learned first hand. All girls are different, some are not the same as others, and there are vast amounts of mix and match in the characteristics of women. Thus, certain advised actions may not work in all situations or in any situations. To avoid this liability for us, we have decided to just leave you hanging, figure it out for yourselves. What we will do however, is try to maintain a fair and non-discriminatory blog. We will now tell you women who might be reading this blog what to expect from men. As the authors of this humble blog are both men, this should be our easiest post ever. Ahem.
Men are essentially the same as women. Obviously there are some physical differences and some minor emotional variances but they are pretty much the same. With this in mind let me tell you what to expect from men: the exact same thing you can expect from women.
You see though we like to pick on the opposite sex, we are all really the same. We are all human and prone to the same errors and/or mistakes.
And you thought we were just joking about the whole "philosophical" thing. We can be more then funny. Sometimes.
Men are essentially the same as women. Obviously there are some physical differences and some minor emotional variances but they are pretty much the same. With this in mind let me tell you what to expect from men: the exact same thing you can expect from women.
You see though we like to pick on the opposite sex, we are all really the same. We are all human and prone to the same errors and/or mistakes.
And you thought we were just joking about the whole "philosophical" thing. We can be more then funny. Sometimes.
Why Men Like Explosions
Having recently returned from seeing “Transformers”, this editor was struck with the impressive amount of combustion that is encapsulated in the film. In the span of a couple of hours the director managed to fit in at least 3,600 explosions. I place the qualifier “at least” in that sentence because I lost count after I temporarily blacked out from the sheer intensity of three thousand mechanical persons/beings/universes blowing up on screen... all at the same time. If you happened to see “Live Free or Die Hard” you would have experienced much the same thing. This is an intelligent move on the part of the directorial powers that be. They knew that the masculine theater attenders would be checking their watches, ready to walk out if the picture had not fulfilled its 1 explosion/2 deaths ratio in a 10 minute time period. This begs the question; why do men in particular crave great balls of fire? The editors uncover several reasons in the following sections.
1) Explosions are Manly
If explosions are inclined to the very nature of the male species, it would seem to follow that we would derive a special pleasure from them. This is in fact the case. Men carry on a symbiotic relationship with explosions. Explosions could not exist without men, matches, and napalm. Men, in turn, benefit from the satisfying glow and resulting destruction of the detonation. But why are we so attracted to them? This may remain a mystery to the end of the age, but perhaps the next few points will shed some light on the issue.
2) Explosions Indicate Power
As the saying goes, “Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, which results in explosions.” Can anyone deny the truth of this trusty statement? When has any individual gained and held a significant amount of power without averting to an explosion or two? Think of Jack Bauer. Think of Nagasaki. Think of Iraq. [Ed. This proves that explosions are necessary, but not sufficient, for an increase in power.] This is in fact an excellent explanation of why France has never won a war. And until they can get over their fear of their cheese, wine, and impeccably groomed moustaches being contaminated with nuclear material, the editors do not expect them to win any wars in the near or distant future. In summation, we find that when an explosion is witnessed by the general public (albeit from a safe distance), the men get a satisfying feeling that by viewing the spectacle, they too have taken part in the ultimate succinct statement of world domination, the explosion.
3) Explosions Avoid Awkward Situations
How many times have you been in a really uncomfortable situation? One where you wish you could just disappear? You know what I mean. As in “Man this is awkward. Why couldn’t I have a grenade right now, so as to blow the whole situation to kingdom come, albeit from a safe distance?” One that may be familiar to many of us is the dramatic-pause-turned-awkward-pause-in-the-2AR. Yes the self-generated delusions of grandeur come crashing down two minutes into the speech, leaving you feeling melodramatic and exposed. Ah, for the want of a flash-bang grenade a round was lost! It’s true. Men can be cowards, and we’re often more willing to blow a gaping hole in the music than face it.
4) Explosions: The Duct Tape of Life
Similar and yet different to the previous point, explosions are the layman’s, and for that matter non-layman’s, remedy to a situation that is simply not up to snuff. PC running a little slow? There’s an answer for that. Get a Mac. Mac running slow? Blow it up. There is no excuse for a Mac to be running any slower than blazing fast. On a media-centered note, I personally believe the movie “Pride and Prejudice” would have enjoyed much greater box office success if the romantic scene at the end of the picture had culminated in the tactical use of a generous amount of C-4. “Mrs. Darcy... Mrs. Darcy... Mrs. Dar-*House blows up* Dang it!”
Conclusion
We believe the sufficient coverage in this article has been... sufficient. It should now be clear as to why the masters of the Y chromosome use the "Just Say Yes" policy when it comes to combustible material.
1) Explosions are Manly
If explosions are inclined to the very nature of the male species, it would seem to follow that we would derive a special pleasure from them. This is in fact the case. Men carry on a symbiotic relationship with explosions. Explosions could not exist without men, matches, and napalm. Men, in turn, benefit from the satisfying glow and resulting destruction of the detonation. But why are we so attracted to them? This may remain a mystery to the end of the age, but perhaps the next few points will shed some light on the issue.
2) Explosions Indicate Power
As the saying goes, “Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, which results in explosions.” Can anyone deny the truth of this trusty statement? When has any individual gained and held a significant amount of power without averting to an explosion or two? Think of Jack Bauer. Think of Nagasaki. Think of Iraq. [Ed. This proves that explosions are necessary, but not sufficient, for an increase in power.] This is in fact an excellent explanation of why France has never won a war. And until they can get over their fear of their cheese, wine, and impeccably groomed moustaches being contaminated with nuclear material, the editors do not expect them to win any wars in the near or distant future. In summation, we find that when an explosion is witnessed by the general public (albeit from a safe distance), the men get a satisfying feeling that by viewing the spectacle, they too have taken part in the ultimate succinct statement of world domination, the explosion.
3) Explosions Avoid Awkward Situations
How many times have you been in a really uncomfortable situation? One where you wish you could just disappear? You know what I mean. As in “Man this is awkward. Why couldn’t I have a grenade right now, so as to blow the whole situation to kingdom come, albeit from a safe distance?” One that may be familiar to many of us is the dramatic-pause-turned-awkward-pause-in-the-2AR. Yes the self-generated delusions of grandeur come crashing down two minutes into the speech, leaving you feeling melodramatic and exposed. Ah, for the want of a flash-bang grenade a round was lost! It’s true. Men can be cowards, and we’re often more willing to blow a gaping hole in the music than face it.
4) Explosions: The Duct Tape of Life
Similar and yet different to the previous point, explosions are the layman’s, and for that matter non-layman’s, remedy to a situation that is simply not up to snuff. PC running a little slow? There’s an answer for that. Get a Mac. Mac running slow? Blow it up. There is no excuse for a Mac to be running any slower than blazing fast. On a media-centered note, I personally believe the movie “Pride and Prejudice” would have enjoyed much greater box office success if the romantic scene at the end of the picture had culminated in the tactical use of a generous amount of C-4. “Mrs. Darcy... Mrs. Darcy... Mrs. Dar-*House blows up* Dang it!”
Conclusion
We believe the sufficient coverage in this article has been... sufficient. It should now be clear as to why the masters of the Y chromosome use the "Just Say Yes" policy when it comes to combustible material.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Disclaimer
Before we go any further in our blogscapades, a disclaimer is useful.
We do not hate girls. Girls are awesome. In fact, if girls weren't around, we wouldn't be either. We think very highly of women. I personally know some very smart, strong, beautiful, and kind women.
Unfortunately for these women, we just happen to be very cynical men. Thus, while we notice and are jealous of the many wonderful attributes they possess and display, we also notice, and can't help but comment on, the failings of women the world over (I like commas). Being the cynical men we are, we apply these failings to the individual women we know. Sometimes, indeed many times, this leads to erroneous impressions.
We apologize for, but are in no way responsible for, these misunderstandings.
We do not hate girls. Girls are awesome. In fact, if girls weren't around, we wouldn't be either. We think very highly of women. I personally know some very smart, strong, beautiful, and kind women.
Unfortunately for these women, we just happen to be very cynical men. Thus, while we notice and are jealous of the many wonderful attributes they possess and display, we also notice, and can't help but comment on, the failings of women the world over (I like commas). Being the cynical men we are, we apply these failings to the individual women we know. Sometimes, indeed many times, this leads to erroneous impressions.
We apologize for, but are in no way responsible for, these misunderstandings.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Girls. Oh boy....
People like to understand things. No one likes being ignorant of something they use or are involved with. That could explain why most of the girls I know are still single… But I'm getting ahead of myself. This article is designed to help you understand a few important facts. As this is a very important topic this article will come in two parts. In the first part we will discuss what you can expect from a girlfriend. You can't just live without them, so what can you do to live with them? We'll talk about that in part two. You will most likely wind up married to a girl someday, thus, I'd suggest you read this and learn how to get along with them.
Maybe you are saying to yourself "but I like girls!" If so, you would have a lot to learn about them. Girls are like taking crack, you know it's bad for you, but you just can't not do it.
So what can you expect from a girl? Here are four things that I think are important to be ready for.
1. Don't expect them to pay attention to you. How many times has a girl really ever paid attention to what you were saying? Do they really care? I think not. Females are very good at pretending to listen. Check it out for yourself sometime. Have a conversation with a girl and after a moment or two just begin blabbering about any random topic. They don't even have to be real words. Then see what they do. Odds are they will continue to smile and nod, maybe even laugh once in a while. Then they will excuse themselves to go huddle with other girls. They will then proceed to glance at you and laugh.
2. Don't expect them to really like you. What they are doing is more accurately termed "putting up with you." Think about it. After you have your conversation, or even before sometimes, they will huddle together and look at you and laugh. Do not be so naïve as to believe that they just happened to look at you when someone said something funny. The only time that happens is when they say something funny about you. Neither of these situations leans to your favor.
3. Don't expect to save any money. If you ever do manage to attain a girlfriend expect to shell out the cash. Girls are very expensive. They don't like something that isn't expensive. For example, a common saying is that "a diamond is a girl's best friend," I think it goes without saying that diamonds are expensive. The only diamonds that aren't expensive are only going to make your girl hate you, trust me, I see that in movies all the time. Maybe you think you're lucky because your girl is fine with less expensive gifts like purses, shoes, clothes, or something like that. Maybe you should look at how many she has. Chances are she has at least 3 or 4 purses, 5 or 6 pairs of shoes, and at least 9 different outfits ("outfit" here means clothes she bought specifically to go together, I'm not including mixing and matching). Also, girls have to replace everything every few months. When summer comes all the winter clothes go in the trash, because "they just won't be in style next year!"
4. Don't expect to retain your honest nature. Have you ever been asked "how do I look in this?" What did you say? Most likely you responded with something like "fantastic, simply stunning!" Why you ask? Girls don't want the truth, they want to be flattered (this is important to remember and will be mentioned again later). Get used to lying, you'll be doing a lot of it if you get a girl (I suggest taking poker lessons, you'll have fun and learn to "bluff").
In case you can't last until the next half of the article, here is a quick bit of advice on how to please girls. Girls just want to have lunch.
To be continued…
Maybe you are saying to yourself "but I like girls!" If so, you would have a lot to learn about them. Girls are like taking crack, you know it's bad for you, but you just can't not do it.
So what can you expect from a girl? Here are four things that I think are important to be ready for.
1. Don't expect them to pay attention to you. How many times has a girl really ever paid attention to what you were saying? Do they really care? I think not. Females are very good at pretending to listen. Check it out for yourself sometime. Have a conversation with a girl and after a moment or two just begin blabbering about any random topic. They don't even have to be real words. Then see what they do. Odds are they will continue to smile and nod, maybe even laugh once in a while. Then they will excuse themselves to go huddle with other girls. They will then proceed to glance at you and laugh.
2. Don't expect them to really like you. What they are doing is more accurately termed "putting up with you." Think about it. After you have your conversation, or even before sometimes, they will huddle together and look at you and laugh. Do not be so naïve as to believe that they just happened to look at you when someone said something funny. The only time that happens is when they say something funny about you. Neither of these situations leans to your favor.
3. Don't expect to save any money. If you ever do manage to attain a girlfriend expect to shell out the cash. Girls are very expensive. They don't like something that isn't expensive. For example, a common saying is that "a diamond is a girl's best friend," I think it goes without saying that diamonds are expensive. The only diamonds that aren't expensive are only going to make your girl hate you, trust me, I see that in movies all the time. Maybe you think you're lucky because your girl is fine with less expensive gifts like purses, shoes, clothes, or something like that. Maybe you should look at how many she has. Chances are she has at least 3 or 4 purses, 5 or 6 pairs of shoes, and at least 9 different outfits ("outfit" here means clothes she bought specifically to go together, I'm not including mixing and matching). Also, girls have to replace everything every few months. When summer comes all the winter clothes go in the trash, because "they just won't be in style next year!"
4. Don't expect to retain your honest nature. Have you ever been asked "how do I look in this?" What did you say? Most likely you responded with something like "fantastic, simply stunning!" Why you ask? Girls don't want the truth, they want to be flattered (this is important to remember and will be mentioned again later). Get used to lying, you'll be doing a lot of it if you get a girl (I suggest taking poker lessons, you'll have fun and learn to "bluff").
In case you can't last until the next half of the article, here is a quick bit of advice on how to please girls. Girls just want to have lunch.
To be continued…
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